what i do all day

This morning I was talking with hubby about groceries. "I will probably end up running to Walmart today if you need anything." "Why?" "Well, we're almost out of bread...we're just about out of snacks...you need deodorant..." (This last item was something he actually requested a few days ago, not a commentary on my part.)

We have recently gone from weekly pay to twice-a-month pay. Talk about nuts. It's crazy how long it's taken to get back on our feet from switching our schedule. In that process, we're also trying to go grocery shopping less. We have a BJ's membership but never use it, but are planning to now, so that we can make fewer trips. That means buying more at once (obviously), but that also comes with deeper planning.

So we sat and talked about snack foods, and how many granola bars per day we would need, etc.

My husband BUILDS LISTS at work. My husband does LEAD GENERATION. These are big words and big ideas. He throws around terms and abbreviations that I have no idea what they mean. (I also don't ask. I'm grateful I've learned how to take the context.)

Meanwhile, I throw around terms like "12-count box" and "non-fat milk powder." (This last one scared hubby, but I told him it's for the bread machine. Then he was okay. But it came with a stern warning.)

I started trying to explain to him how I feel sometimes when I have to go over this stuff with him. Not all the time, but if I'm in a particularly vulnerable mood, or if I'm quiet enough to hear my undercurrent of thoughts while talking, I can admit that I feel inferior at these times. He has stress at work, and the things he does there are miles away from any kind of home happenings. And if he needs to not think about home while working, in order to concentrate, so be it. His job is not to do both jobs at once. That's what he has me for. You'd think that would make me feel important. And I do. Still...

Sitting with me and doing the math of "how many granola bars come in a box?" "8...or 12." "Probably should go with the 12." "Yeah, I do" is not, I imagine, how he'd choose to spend his 6AM hour. I told him, I feel like he thinks that kind of conversation is pithy. boring. mundane.

And maybe it is.

But it's still important. I need to know when he won't be home for dinner. I need to know how fast we'll go through a case of toilet paper. I need to know the ratio between when the away soccer game bus says they'll get back to when they will actually get back. I need to make rules like "one granola bar per day." I need to know where the crayons are that will fit in the spiral of my 2yo's handy-dandy notebook. (Can you say crisis?!?!)

And here's a reminder to me, and anyone else who's identifying: these things ARE important.

They are vitally important to the success and smooth running of our households. The conversations might be mundane to our very hard-working hubbies. But that doesn't mean they think them unimportant. It's just not their job. So the pride is ours to take in our work. We're growing little people, after all.

What odd-to-the-world-outside-of-mommihood things do you find yourself in charge of? Is there anything you do during the day that makes you say, "you know...if I wrote a book...this would totally go in it..."?

preparing for rain

We're in a bit of a bind. One that we've been in before. And God always brings us out.

Yesterday, I had bit of a pour-out session with God. He gave hubby a lovely raise over the summer, trusting us to use it wisely, and we haven't really done that. Oh, our intentions were good, certainly, but our practices left much to be desired. God has given us enough for everything we need, but because we have not been timely in the paying of our bills, we are left with nothing. So, so wrong.

So here we are in this pickle again. Totally, completely our fault. Yet God is still gracious. He has gotten us out of these binds before (even when it doesn't make sense that He should), and I believe and am trusting that He will deliver us from this one, too.

It is in that spirit of expectation (I'm "preparing for rain," so to speak) that I am deciding to chronicle the deliverance this time. It has already begun, and in my new attitude of gratefulness and proper stewardship, I want to consciously notice and remember what He does.

"In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." (Psalm 5:3)

Yesterday, we decided we have two major bills to fit into the remainder of our paycheck (the next of which is still a week and a half away). I'm still unsure of the actual amount of one of them, but if my memory serves, our bank account was really close to that total yesterday.

Enter Provision #1: my mom paid us her half of the cable bill, which should put us up to, if not a few dollars over, what we need for those two bills. (I'm choosing not to get caught up in the detail that I have yet to figure out what that second amount is, and if it's higher than I remember, we're screwed again. I'm choosing to trust it will work out.)

Another issue was that with those two bills, there would be nothing left over for any gas in my car next week, or the diapers I was sure we'd need by then. Provision #2: when I went upstairs to get a diaper for Mr. 2yo this morning, I found I had a good chunk of diapers left in his basket, and two fresh packages in the box, yet unopened! Praise God!

That realization was really when I decided to start keeping track. I went upstairs for the diaper, saw the extra diapers in the box, and continued on like nothing had happened. It was a few minutes later that I realized this was an answered prayer! And I decided I wanted to be much more intentional about noticing when God answers my prayers!

Now I write in expectation, waiting to see how else God will prove Himself worthy!

And this time, rather than simply selfishly expecting God's grace,

I am watching for it, waiting for it, with reverance and gratitude.

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed.

I have several things I need to do, and they all need to be done right NOW.

I am currently typing literally around several items on the desk that are making it hard to move, and should be cleaned off before something disastrous happens to hubby's desk. (Fortunately, there is no liquid present.)

Daughter wants toast.

Son is eating peanut butter crackers because I haven't had time to make him breakfast.

I have to call our cell phone company and pretty much beg them (cajole and guilt if I have to) to work with us to get our service turned back on and change our pay date, after getting so screwed up with them that we're almost always late in paying.

I have an issue with my car insurance that must be resolved just about immediately.

I'm trying to pray more money into our bank account (including adding in a trip to the bank to deposit cash) so we can accomplish all this.

The dog is stealing son's peanut butter crackers because his "hands are full" if he holds them all instead of setting them down on the couch. ("Then perhaps you should eat at the table. It is a privilege to eat in the living room.")

Hubby cleaned out his car yesterday, which means there is a LARGE pile of things on the couch, where the children cannot sit, and thus they are on ME (because, of course, there's no other logical place to go).

And, as always, dishes and laundry are waiting. (Unfortunately, they're waiting in the middle of the floor.)

And school will happen in the afternoon again. (I am thankful for homeschooling again. And because my lovely children gave me an extra fifteen minutes this morning to lie on my bed to get rid of a headache without bothering me.)

This is not a pretty picture to me, because it's just about all my fault as the keeper of the finances. It's ugly really. (How do you resist shame when it really does rest on you??) We are not the best at keeping our finances straight (and it is utterly AMAZING to me how utterly L  O  N  G it takes to even out after a pay schedule change), but we are working on it.

I need someone to take my children this morning and let them run in circles, jump up and down, do somersaults, and watch train and racecar videos with them so that I can do all this alone. But that won't happen, and somehow - with an unbelievable amount of grace from God (which I confess I have selfishly come to EXPECT instead of keep a healthy fear of) - it will all get done, and I will still love my children.